Love Languages

Here is something that I have talked about on past postings :-) This web page outlines some ways to show love :-) 75 Ways to Show Love in Relationships

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Self Fulfilling Prophecy: Make your own Prophecy for the future.

Some years ago I saw a documentary about a violin school, and in this documentary the teacher got all the new students to write a 5000 word essay about what they would like to see in them self at the end of their studies. The teacher then stated that every student became what they wrote in their essay. I did the same many many years ago in a journal that I kept, at one stage I wrote that I wanted to become a paranormal psychologist. Funny enough I never thought about going to University till 2001, so now I am almost a full psychologist and am studying theology, I have also studied with a TAO master. I had forgotten all about this till one day I found that entry in my journal when I was flicking through it. Thus I have told others to imagine and write down what they see of them self in 2 or 5 years in detail.   In psychology a self fulfilling prophecy was discovered in schools and with rats. Firstly in schools when a teacher believes that a student is incapable of being taught the belief of the teacher comes true, even when the belief is manufactured. Likewise with rat studies, there was a maze study with rats that students had to do for their course. A family of brother and sister rats were split up between two teams of students. The first team (team 1) was told that their rats came from a long genetic line of great maze running rats, while the second team (team 2) were told that their rats are stupid rats. Team 1 treated their rats with more kindness and spent more time with them in the maze. Their rats learnt the maze in fewer days, while team 2 treated their rats unkindly and did not spend much time with them. So you can now guess that the team 2 rats took longer to learn the maze. Both of these studies, the teacher study and the rat study was designed by psychologists to study self fulfilling prophecies.   There is so much more I can type about this subject, but here thus far I have talked about a self fulfilling prophecy that is driven from within and another that is driven externally. Self fulfilling prophecy when driven from externally become part of your schema (script of behaviour) and can be hard to fight, but any taught behaviour can be un-learned. So when we talk to people you need to come from a place of love, because any words of judgment will be taken in by the listener and change the listener. That is why it is harmful to anyone to throw out global attacks on other people. Harmful attacks are statements that are not specific. For example "you are hopeless", "you make me sick", "go get a life", "your fat", and many more. These are attacks that the receiver can do nothing about but to choose to believe them, and live them. Where as specific attacks can be either constructive criticism or harmful attacks. So a constructive criticism is something like "you are bad at doing that, you need to practice", but a specific harmful attack is a comment such as, "you suck at that". When you receive an attack like this, you have a choice to say in your mind "No I am not" or "yes I agree with you", to internalise the comment.   To create your own self fulfilling prophecy, statements of affirmation is a great start and a staple in the diet of self belief. In prison, the inmates are told to stand in front of the mirror first thing in the morning and tell them-self "I am going to have a great day" and it happens. I know that one bad thing told to you from a loved one means more that 1000 good things told to you from friends or strangers, and what you tell your self means nothing. This is so wrong, for you to get your life on the direction that you want. You should believe that what you tell your self means everything 1000 times more that any negative word told to you by anyone.   Spiritual teachers may call this "the law of attraction", but it is really all the same. If you have been given a negative self fulfilling prophecy that you are living out and what to change, you need to change your thoughts, words, and actions. If you wish to create your own self fulfilling prophecy to create a life you want you need to do the same thing, live through your thoughts, words, and actions.   In saying this, if you have your thoughts, and words full of fear, those fears will come true because the self fulfilling prophecy is that you wish to live in fear. Like wise if your thoughts are full of want, your self fulfilling prophecy is that you wish to live in a state of want. All your actions will emanate those feelings. Thus if you are a person that really fears job lose or losing your partner, your actions will reflect those fears, changing your behaviours to jealousy, worry, and anger. You will question every word that is stated and every action that is taken by your boss, co-workers, or partner.   I may have said in a previous blog posting, that David Attemborough started that what ever you look for in the behaviour of animals that is what you will find in your observations. You will find the same type of statement in the movie "what the bleep do we know" in the context of quantum physics, if a person wants to see light as a particle that is what they will observe, and if a person wants to see light as a wave, this too shall be observed based on the types of experiments performed.   To examine your own fears or what ever you are consumed with that may be a negative self fulfilling prophecy, get a note pad and start asking your self questions about what has been on your mind for the last few days. If you see a pattern of wingding, complaining, questioning others, etc. you will see that these are all from the external world which are not productive for yourself. It is then time to start asking questions about how you can advance your self. Your questions should start to become that of discovery, learning, and self development, or as Neale Walsh states it, as remembering you god nature within, because if you are not within you are without.

Attitude to work: The flow of energy.

When working, some people go to work fearing the worst, or hating the work they do. If a person goes to work with fear, that is, dreading the sound of the phone, fearing the customers that they may have a go at you for something, such as the service you are trying to give. While others go to work with hatred, hating the people that they work with and the clients they try to service. Just like in a previous posting, the person throwing fear and hatred out to others, that fear or hatred comes back instantly, and in many cases transforms to anger and aggression and then comes back to the give through the behaviour of the customers. So what happened is that people that are fearful or hate their work, create a workplace that they are fearful of or hate.   I work with people that are sensitive to negative states in others because of their history of abuse, I thus go to work intentionally changing my energy level. This alters my attitude, behaviour, and the way I talk to the clients. When I am not at work I do not need to be intentional about my energy level, because I make it a point that to be there, but knowing that the flow of energy wants to equalise, and being around people that are depressed and down, or suffering, I want enough energy to go around to everyone. So by having this thought, and making it an intentional action, my behaviour becomes so happy and friendly that others in the unit also lift their energy. Richard Bandler (Nuro-Linguistic programming) talks about this in some detail, he states that your energy level (negative or positive and everything in between) will affect every one around you, and like wise, you will be affected by their energy levels. Thus when I go to work, I have never had a truly dangerous or bad shift with the clients, unlike some other staff members that I work with. This is because I place each person in the centre of my attention and give them what they desire the most, and that is respect and the care that they have not had in a long time, if ever.   I have in the past been accused by others that I am not employed to be the client's friend. This at first sounded strange to me because that was not my intention. Then I discovered that the Rogerian client centred approach of being genuine with the clients, have positive regard, empathy build, and rapport, looks like "being a friend" to co-workers. This approach is more than a technique that you can just use without employing your entire being. The Rogerian approach needs the employment of your belief system, attitude, and the ability to love the client no matter what they have done in their history. I know this because I have worked with murders, rapists, and thieves, and victims of some atrocious acts of human indecency. It is in this profession, that if a therapist comes from a place of hatred or fear, the client suffers more and in extension society suffers when these people are back in the community. But if a therapist comes from a place of love, the client gives respect, appreciation, and a wish not to let themselves or the therapist down. The therapist becomes a person that the client wants to emulate.   Now you can look at this and think that the unit dynamics changed because of the physical body language that I was using. Although body language alone could not be the answer, because if I acted the positive body language without having the attitude, could it still have the same affect? Even using the Stanislavski method of acting, I would need to draw the attitude in from some previous experience I had before thus building or manufacturing my energy to form that attitude. Likewise, could I use the word energy at all? Although that is what emotions is, energy in motion, and when I concentrate and enhance the positive emotions, I am using my energy to lift my energy, thus it is in motion.

Reality TV: The reality behind the reality.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="352" caption="reality-tv-event-television"][/caption] Pondering over shows such as "Survivor", "Master Chef", "RTA", and "Customs" bought some enlightening thoughts about the lives we live. As I have made postings about the decisions we make, and the fight we have between being reactionary creatures, and that of being a being of awareness. Reality TV is a tool driven by the collective conscience to show us that we have the power to make our reality.   I was watching Customs, and when you look at the drama that befalls the people coming into the country, it is well known that these people that get caught with drugs or illegal items make some stupid decisions. Now that you read this, it all seems very simple and one really needs to be blind not to see the message. But I find it interesting to discuss it.   So a person takes a journey, making a decision long be for the journey starts to try to smuggle drugs, tobacco, or one's self into a new land. This is akin to the hero's journey, but decisions and the thought behind those decisions have power to change or make your reality.   The decision to take a known risk is a gamble and when one looses the consequences will be inevitable. Though separated in time each person is aware of their own doing and undoing.  Some think that it is all a game and is played as so, though the game player becomes the character that they betray. Thus a peaceful person playing the game as a vengeful one will become vengeful and fight to come back to peace once they come back to their own world. But if the person deceits for personal gain, deceit was in the being from long before the decision was taken, but is the person deceiving one's self. This is because we are the person that we are being, and once a behaviour is put into practice is defines us at that time and follows us in the decisions we made during a time of deception. For each of us is still haunted by the ripples of those actions through time. This is why when a person spent some time in jail when young,  find it difficult to travel to other countries years later.

Computer Games: Constructive Verses Destructive

I have addressed how we have used computer games and TV in a destructive way, by introducing violence to children at an early age, influencing the chilled to be violent. Now I better state why I say "we" in that previous sentence, we are the people that made the game or TV show, we are the people purchase their product, we are the people that perpetuate the joy of violence. It is by giving reward to those that make the product, through the purchasing of their product, do we say in one voice "Violence is Good for all of us". I also distinguish that violence is that causes harm either simulated on a computer game or shown on TV, furthermore violence is also seen as causing emotional harm through competition in the looser. We are teaching our children to be violent by these games and TV shows, thus teaching them the opposite to what we would like to see in society.   Today I saw on TV that a new computer game system has been manufactured, expanding the experience of the game. In the same news sample, the announcer stated that the sale of gaming systems have dropped and this new system was the answer to increase sales and profits for the company. It is by seeing this information on TV that drove me to think about this posting on my blog and to ask a simple question. How can this technology be used in a constructive and not destructive way. A game that fulfils this has already been available for some years now, but the price of this game is vast and out of the reach to even some wealthy people, but if it would be incorporated in the popular game systems the price would be low enough for almost everyone that already have game systems. The game is called Mindball, please watch this youtube video showing the game that uses a head band as the computer interface. httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBeGv_x4Tbs&feature=related The home page for the Mindball game is http://www.mindball.se/   I remember watching Star Trek Deep space Nine, Dax, one of the characters in the show is meditating, and the depth of her meditation is shown via a computer representation. I think the episode name is "A Man Alone", I tried to look for a youtube clip showing the meditation, but cannot find it, sorry. Woo Hoo Found it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZP2NVMmG_i4   We have the technology to monitor our body to give Bio-feedback to show us when we are stressed, lying, nervure, or relaxed. Psychologists use this technology to measure physical responses in their studies. Why can we not use this technology in the games we use to help us exercise our capabilities to relax, meditate, and enhance inner peace. I see a game that one or more people can connect to a computer that measures our brain waves, respiration, heart rate, and skin conductivity to have health competition on the ability to meditate, relax, or reduction in stress.   Could you image what a school play ground with children interacting that all have used this type of game, and have fun playing this game? What you would see are 200 plus children all having exercised piece and relaxation, each showing off about what level they got to. The children would be emulating the game they have been playing. Because that is what we have today, a play ground in a school, full of children emulating the games they play now, full of violence.   I find it strange that when a adult has problems with aggression and stress, we advise them to take Yoga or go to mediation classes, yet we do not do that with out children. Why is this? Judging from what can be observed, is that we must want aggressive and violent children, then latter all the mental health hospitals and psychologists can justify their business by catering for all the people that have never been able to relax. We treat the damage that we given the children, thinking that we are loving them with these toys.   So why can we not adapt such bio-feedback devises to game systems like the WII or your home PC? To really answer that question, first we should ask, is there money in it for the companies to create such a game? And the second question is, is there any reason why others would want to stop such a game to be around and for what reason?   Wii U new game httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82O42moihL4 I have found that Apple has come up with a device that already addresses that what I have just typed. I had typed all this above, but in the process of posting this to the blog I went looking for a suitable picture that sums up the posting I found the web page (http://www.plxwave.com/) that sells just a device for you to help you deepen meditation, but it is not a game for children, sorry to say.  

Relationship issues: The games we play, the mind-set we are trapped in.

Just recently I was in conversation with a mate about the games and attitudes that cause problems in relationships. Now a few days latter I did some revision to see if my argument stood up with some of the literature that I have access to. So to refresh my memory I did a review of some book I have read in the past such as "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", "5 Love Languages", and "Games people play: The psychology of human relationships". So I will try to put these 3 book in a nut-shell, along with a audio cast I bought called "10 Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger - (2003), although some of her sentiments' I do not prescribe to, though the fundamental idea of her talk is spot-on in my view. So the starting question that started this conversation was, "why do people play games in a relationship that hurt the other person?". It was a big question with no simple answer, because we all have such a various and divers upbringing, experiences, and temperaments. Not to mention the different theories that are out there that try to explain human interaction, and some of them are alike with subtle differences. But in the end we pick a theory, or pick aspects out of several theories that explain situations, according to our liking. When males and females communicate there is a miss-mach of styles, men are "fix-it" orientated and females are "listen to me" orientated. So if a female talks to a male the female will get a fix-it response, as the male will look for the problem to solve and try to fix-it. Whereas if a male asks a female something the female will try to understand the problem but offer no fix-it response. Also if a male has got a problem and feels that the female cannot help or just make the problem worse, the male will say nothing. This makes the female feel that there is a secret, and the male is hiding something, which is not true. On the other hand if a female wants to sit and talk about a situation with a male, the expectation is that the male is now a substitute female, because this is a bonding exercise for females, and the females' wants to bond with the male. The male in this situation needs to learn how to understand the situation, empathise with the female and try not to give it a fix-it response. Like wise a male will want a solution to a problem, males do not want empathy, and understanding, they just want the problem fixed. But because males are hunters, the pack mentality will emerge and the male will seek out a leader in the field and get another male to help fix the problem. (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). Though the ways we communicate love between partners is difficult, and with the stimulus response, the Pavlovian view is that we habituate to our partner's behaviour, thus take less notice of the little things in the relationship. Though according to the book "5 Love Languages" it is not this, it is the ways we communicate love and the ways we interpret other peoples behaviour as a communication of love. Words them self don't do it, it is in the way we walk, talk, notice, and treat the other. But why is it that so many know that they love each other at the beginning of a relationship, but it dies later on. He calls the communication of love as Love language. But if one person talks one language of love and the other speaks another language, the communication of love is lost in translation, thus love dies. Just in every form of communication, there is a sender and a receiver and the message, but what if the sender is sending a love communiqué in their own language and the receiver does not know that language the message is lost and never understood. The response to the Pavlovian view is that at the beginning of a relationship we use the shotgun approach to sending messages, that is we send messages of love in every language conceivable, but over time we always go back to our native language of love and neglect to send the massage of love in the receiver's language. This goes for males and females alike. Thus we don't habituate to our partner, we just don't speak their language when we want to say "I LOVE YOU" with our actions and or words. There are five fundamental love languages, each with their own various dialects. The 5 love languages are based on keeping the "love tank full" in the other person. This is just like keeping the fuel tank full in the car, if the car is empty the car will not go, likewise if the love tank is not full in one of the persons in the relationship the relationship will not go either. The idea is to know the other person's love language or emotional needs of being loved to keep their love tank full. But those things that we are blind to at the beginning of a relationship will become the things you hate the most, and you are blind to them because of the shotgun use of love languages. This gives you the false feeling that you are in love and the relationship has a full tank which may last the relationship a few hundred kilometres. This dose not mean that you need to end the relationship, it means that the couple needs to learn to know how to speak the right love language. Words of affirmation, like "I need you", "I love you" Quality Time with full attention and sympathetic listening. Receiving gifts, this could be a shell, food, or anything that means something to the giver, it is a thing that says "I am thinking of you". By spending money on the other is investing in the relationship. Physical presents in the time of crises are the biggest gift you could give to your partner. Acts of service, this means that you do things for them, like dusting, cooking, painting, keeping the garden, setting the table and just doing things for the other that takes time and effort for their partner. Physical Touch, this not just sex, it also includes holding hands, hugs, kissing, and friendly nudges. Physical contact when watching TV means more that all the cocking the other person can do. Dr. Laura Schlessinger maintains that a couple should be friends and confidant before one gets married and have sex. Well this is because the straw fire love has a short shelf life and will dye. So her answer is to wait and get to know each other first. However she does state that the person you are dating will be the person you will live with, that is if there are behaviours there that you do not like, don't think the other person will change. All in all, people don't change, unless there is a large disaster in their life. Thus if you date a drunken person, be prepared to live with a drunken person. Also if you date a person that likes putting you down, be prepared to live with those put downs. She follows that the main part of relationship break up is from Self-centred egotism, with the feeling of entitlement, to look after Number One and forget others. The splitting and fragmenting society is teaching us that we are individuals with no responsibility, or consequences, further dating is now a sport and a competition to get as much as possible with as many people as possible. This all forgets that the core of all society and relationship is about stability and a collectivist view, this type of view is seen as "old fashion". But this Old fashion view is what is in our hearts. Furthermore people have mixed up priorities, by chasing a career instead of looking after the kids and the relationship, like a career is more important that your kids. How ever in the book "Games people play: The psychology of human relationships"  by Eric Berne, looks at the psychological interaction in a relationship and the social interaction in a relationship. The author sees that each person take on roles in the "game" of relationships, where a person interacts on several levels at once. A person can interact in a psychological manner either as a parent, adult or child, and on the social level in the same thee levels. Thus when dating a person, he/she may be interacting as an adult in the social realm, but one may be the child in the psychological realm. Berne describes that the games we played as a child with our parents are repeated as an adult, but instead of trying to get a toy or attention in a childish manor we play the same games as an adult, just a bit more refined. The thing is that we are still looking for the same "pay-offs" as we did as a child, just now we are grown. The pay-off is not the item of desire, it is the how the self is affected, so putting a person down is the child within saying "I am smarter than you, I want to be the centre of attention in this conversation". Just as a child smashes a toy so other kids cannot play with it, does not mean the kid hates the toy, he just does not want others to have joy from the item. In a relationship the adult that emotionally destroys their partner, is not because he/she hate their partner, it is because they do not want others to enjoy the person they are or in face the partner finding joy with others. This is a threat to the controller, because they see the partner as the source of their self worth, thus talking with another will threaten the controller. Berne also states that the action in the game is secondary to the pay-off. If a person harms another or ruins the furniture, the action is secondary, the pay-off is that he/she needs to apologise and is the centre of attention. All these games are scripts that are either constructive or destructive, or in other words optimistic or pessimistic. The constructive game player builds other up to get a pay-off, while the destructive puts others down to get the pay-off, as I understand it. Berne warns that some people need these games so much that if the game is taken away through rehabilitation of some sort the person can have a psychosis.

"ALL games have an important and probably decisive influence on the destinies of the players under ordinary social conditions; but some offer more opportunities than others for lifelong careers and are more likely to involve relatively innocent bystanders." P.30

So all in all, there is no simple answer to why people play the games they do, though I like the Berne's as it fits in with the Hero's Journey. It is when the Hero is playing a destructive script, the hero wants to get hurt, and wants the other around them to be the rescuer and persecutor. It is when the destructive hero become seen as be rehabilitated from playing their game, the destructive hero merely changes role in the game, but they are still playing the game. Thus to use Berne's example of the Alcoholic, he/she needs to be persecuted and needs a rescuer. When the Alcoholic reforms, the Alcoholic changes role to the rescuer, but the alcoholic is still playing the same game. I also like the 5 love languages theory, firstly it is much like a role based theory of Berne's, there are givers and the takers, sometimes we are the givers and other times we are the takers in the role, and I can see that in a relationship that these roles are swapped so both parties have a chance to play the Hero in the relationship story. Secondly, I do feel that we all interpret actions of love differently based on our upbringing. I hope I have not confused you with this posting.