Relationship issues: The games we play, the mind-set we are trapped in.

Just recently I was in conversation with a mate about the games and attitudes that cause problems in relationships. Now a few days latter I did some revision to see if my argument stood up with some of the literature that I have access to. So to refresh my memory I did a review of some book I have read in the past such as "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", "5 Love Languages", and "Games people play: The psychology of human relationships". So I will try to put these 3 book in a nut-shell, along with a audio cast I bought called "10 Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger - (2003), although some of her sentiments' I do not prescribe to, though the fundamental idea of her talk is spot-on in my view. So the starting question that started this conversation was, "why do people play games in a relationship that hurt the other person?". It was a big question with no simple answer, because we all have such a various and divers upbringing, experiences, and temperaments. Not to mention the different theories that are out there that try to explain human interaction, and some of them are alike with subtle differences. But in the end we pick a theory, or pick aspects out of several theories that explain situations, according to our liking. When males and females communicate there is a miss-mach of styles, men are "fix-it" orientated and females are "listen to me" orientated. So if a female talks to a male the female will get a fix-it response, as the male will look for the problem to solve and try to fix-it. Whereas if a male asks a female something the female will try to understand the problem but offer no fix-it response. Also if a male has got a problem and feels that the female cannot help or just make the problem worse, the male will say nothing. This makes the female feel that there is a secret, and the male is hiding something, which is not true. On the other hand if a female wants to sit and talk about a situation with a male, the expectation is that the male is now a substitute female, because this is a bonding exercise for females, and the females' wants to bond with the male. The male in this situation needs to learn how to understand the situation, empathise with the female and try not to give it a fix-it response. Like wise a male will want a solution to a problem, males do not want empathy, and understanding, they just want the problem fixed. But because males are hunters, the pack mentality will emerge and the male will seek out a leader in the field and get another male to help fix the problem. (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). Though the ways we communicate love between partners is difficult, and with the stimulus response, the Pavlovian view is that we habituate to our partner's behaviour, thus take less notice of the little things in the relationship. Though according to the book "5 Love Languages" it is not this, it is the ways we communicate love and the ways we interpret other peoples behaviour as a communication of love. Words them self don't do it, it is in the way we walk, talk, notice, and treat the other. But why is it that so many know that they love each other at the beginning of a relationship, but it dies later on. He calls the communication of love as Love language. But if one person talks one language of love and the other speaks another language, the communication of love is lost in translation, thus love dies. Just in every form of communication, there is a sender and a receiver and the message, but what if the sender is sending a love communiqué in their own language and the receiver does not know that language the message is lost and never understood. The response to the Pavlovian view is that at the beginning of a relationship we use the shotgun approach to sending messages, that is we send messages of love in every language conceivable, but over time we always go back to our native language of love and neglect to send the massage of love in the receiver's language. This goes for males and females alike. Thus we don't habituate to our partner, we just don't speak their language when we want to say "I LOVE YOU" with our actions and or words. There are five fundamental love languages, each with their own various dialects. The 5 love languages are based on keeping the "love tank full" in the other person. This is just like keeping the fuel tank full in the car, if the car is empty the car will not go, likewise if the love tank is not full in one of the persons in the relationship the relationship will not go either. The idea is to know the other person's love language or emotional needs of being loved to keep their love tank full. But those things that we are blind to at the beginning of a relationship will become the things you hate the most, and you are blind to them because of the shotgun use of love languages. This gives you the false feeling that you are in love and the relationship has a full tank which may last the relationship a few hundred kilometres. This dose not mean that you need to end the relationship, it means that the couple needs to learn to know how to speak the right love language. Words of affirmation, like "I need you", "I love you" Quality Time with full attention and sympathetic listening. Receiving gifts, this could be a shell, food, or anything that means something to the giver, it is a thing that says "I am thinking of you". By spending money on the other is investing in the relationship. Physical presents in the time of crises are the biggest gift you could give to your partner. Acts of service, this means that you do things for them, like dusting, cooking, painting, keeping the garden, setting the table and just doing things for the other that takes time and effort for their partner. Physical Touch, this not just sex, it also includes holding hands, hugs, kissing, and friendly nudges. Physical contact when watching TV means more that all the cocking the other person can do. Dr. Laura Schlessinger maintains that a couple should be friends and confidant before one gets married and have sex. Well this is because the straw fire love has a short shelf life and will dye. So her answer is to wait and get to know each other first. However she does state that the person you are dating will be the person you will live with, that is if there are behaviours there that you do not like, don't think the other person will change. All in all, people don't change, unless there is a large disaster in their life. Thus if you date a drunken person, be prepared to live with a drunken person. Also if you date a person that likes putting you down, be prepared to live with those put downs. She follows that the main part of relationship break up is from Self-centred egotism, with the feeling of entitlement, to look after Number One and forget others. The splitting and fragmenting society is teaching us that we are individuals with no responsibility, or consequences, further dating is now a sport and a competition to get as much as possible with as many people as possible. This all forgets that the core of all society and relationship is about stability and a collectivist view, this type of view is seen as "old fashion". But this Old fashion view is what is in our hearts. Furthermore people have mixed up priorities, by chasing a career instead of looking after the kids and the relationship, like a career is more important that your kids. How ever in the book "Games people play: The psychology of human relationships"  by Eric Berne, looks at the psychological interaction in a relationship and the social interaction in a relationship. The author sees that each person take on roles in the "game" of relationships, where a person interacts on several levels at once. A person can interact in a psychological manner either as a parent, adult or child, and on the social level in the same thee levels. Thus when dating a person, he/she may be interacting as an adult in the social realm, but one may be the child in the psychological realm. Berne describes that the games we played as a child with our parents are repeated as an adult, but instead of trying to get a toy or attention in a childish manor we play the same games as an adult, just a bit more refined. The thing is that we are still looking for the same "pay-offs" as we did as a child, just now we are grown. The pay-off is not the item of desire, it is the how the self is affected, so putting a person down is the child within saying "I am smarter than you, I want to be the centre of attention in this conversation". Just as a child smashes a toy so other kids cannot play with it, does not mean the kid hates the toy, he just does not want others to have joy from the item. In a relationship the adult that emotionally destroys their partner, is not because he/she hate their partner, it is because they do not want others to enjoy the person they are or in face the partner finding joy with others. This is a threat to the controller, because they see the partner as the source of their self worth, thus talking with another will threaten the controller. Berne also states that the action in the game is secondary to the pay-off. If a person harms another or ruins the furniture, the action is secondary, the pay-off is that he/she needs to apologise and is the centre of attention. All these games are scripts that are either constructive or destructive, or in other words optimistic or pessimistic. The constructive game player builds other up to get a pay-off, while the destructive puts others down to get the pay-off, as I understand it. Berne warns that some people need these games so much that if the game is taken away through rehabilitation of some sort the person can have a psychosis.

"ALL games have an important and probably decisive influence on the destinies of the players under ordinary social conditions; but some offer more opportunities than others for lifelong careers and are more likely to involve relatively innocent bystanders." P.30

So all in all, there is no simple answer to why people play the games they do, though I like the Berne's as it fits in with the Hero's Journey. It is when the Hero is playing a destructive script, the hero wants to get hurt, and wants the other around them to be the rescuer and persecutor. It is when the destructive hero become seen as be rehabilitated from playing their game, the destructive hero merely changes role in the game, but they are still playing the game. Thus to use Berne's example of the Alcoholic, he/she needs to be persecuted and needs a rescuer. When the Alcoholic reforms, the Alcoholic changes role to the rescuer, but the alcoholic is still playing the same game. I also like the 5 love languages theory, firstly it is much like a role based theory of Berne's, there are givers and the takers, sometimes we are the givers and other times we are the takers in the role, and I can see that in a relationship that these roles are swapped so both parties have a chance to play the Hero in the relationship story. Secondly, I do feel that we all interpret actions of love differently based on our upbringing. I hope I have not confused you with this posting.  

The Decisions we make: The Ripple Affect that you make.

We live in the illusion that we own the things we have. The house you own, the TV that you are watching, the computer that you are using, and the cloths that you are wearing, you may think are yours, but this too is an illusion. The only things that you can call yours are the decisions you make, and the consequences that you live with. In times of trouble and in times of peace you own the decisions that you make, even when you are costing through life or traversing disastrous events, these too are yours. The events that you encounter within your life and the information you receive may happen by chance or are out of your control, but what you do with the information and in the event these decisions are yours. I have heard a quote that "the decisions we make dictate the lives we live". When I have been in counselling with people, a pattern soon appears in the way people have responded to events and what they did with information. I too have been tested many times with my responses to events and information I have. It is when one responds to an event without thought of others, only thinking about one's own self, the consequences' can be harmful to your self in the relationship with the ones around you. The same goes with the information you have, if you decide to use this information with out thought of how it affects others, in the long run it will affect you. Just as I have heard a Taoist tell me "any decision is like throwing a ball that is connected by a string to a horizontal bar above your head, the harder you throw the ball the harder it will hit you on the back, and you will not know that you are the one that threw the same ball". Lest that something that you could see in a movie plot as an example. Letts take a Man working in a high end office, making thousands of dollars a week, he is married with 2 lovely kids. Well one day he comes across a woman that takes interest in him. The successful man decides to have a date with the woman and then the inevitable happens and they sleep together. Eventually the wife finds out, he decides to go out and drink to overcome the self-pity and self-doughty that he has. He hops into his car and drunk and gets pulled over by the cops, he looses his licence. This decision of driving drunk, results in him loosing his licence, thus he looses his job and all the money he makes, because he needs a drivers licence in his job. Now that he chose to betray his wife and drive under the influence, his wife decides to leave him and take the kids. So then the man gets drunk again and then takes his car out for a spin, those two decisions puts him in the position of being caught by the cops again. He now is charged with driving under the influence, and driving unlicensed, he is then called to appear at court. The Judge orders the man to attend counselling, and in the counselling session he talks about the events of the past and only after a few sessions he sees the pattern, but still finds it hard to own the responsibility for those decisions'. This is just a hypothetical story, but many part of this story can be seen in different books and movies. One that comes to mind is the original Wall Street. The decisions we make have their ripple affect that surrounds us in space, and follows us through time. The affects of the decisions can take years to come back to haunt us and many times we don't even know that we caused the end result years ago. Like wise some ripples keep going for generations. This is for all decisions we make the good and the bad. I know in my life that there are some principals that I live by, that come from several generations back, passed on intra-generationally, that is from one generation to the next. Likewise, we are all taught our passions and prejudices', and we are also able is to keep them within due bounds so they do not get the better of us.

Office aversion: PTSD type symptoms of authority

  I remember at school I got in trouble a bit, for various reasons, as we all do. Well I was at school in the days of capital punishment, when us naughty kids go the cane. I still have those words in my ears, "Mr Smolle, please come to the office now". Now that I am an adult, I still get sweaty hands, raising heart rate, and a desire to run away when I hear those words from anyone about any situation, "Could I see you in my office" sends shivers up my spine. SO, why should I bring this up in a blog posting? Well I am glad you asked… httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbTBPS_Dtv8 It is not because a brand of chocolate has a glass and a half of milk in every bar. Working with people that have got an addiction, it is common that they have been in trouble with the law and have been from office to office, dealing with officials that have control over their immediate future as a consequence of their behaviour. Furthermore, it is common that they have been in a police office often, either giving statements, being a witness, or for being in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. Thus I draw inference from my experience to put my-self in my client's shoes, to see how they get affected by the very notion to be called or asked to come to the "counsellor's office". It is not the being in a counselling office that creates the anxiety but the idea of going to an office in the first place. No matter how good or positive the process of coming to see a person that is there to help, the same anxiety is triggered by the idea of an "office" from traumatic events in the past. Thus now it is a trigger for a post-traumatic-stress, and the reason that it is called a "disorder" is because the stress and anxiety is putting a person out of their natural order, becoming a disorder. In talking about this, I have had the privilege to observe several counsellors, and therapists do their thing in a real life setting. And the most liked person was a man that went outside with the client and sat in the garden away from everyone, to have a counselling session. By doing this the client relaxed far faster than normal, for a person seeing the counsellor for the first time. He very rarely stayed in his office, he would go there to do his paperwork after seeing each client, but then he was out in the waiting room having a coffee and being with other clients in the residential unit. Even thought he would be dressed like a Victorian Solicitor, with a three piece suite, he was very approachable and could relate with all the clients. This was one person that I talked about "office anxiety" years ago, and he just smiled to me, telling me that, that was the very reason he does not summon or ask clients to come to his office. So … here ends today's posting

Heaven and Hell: Perceptual inertia

I remember a story that describes the concept of creating your own reality of heaven and hell on earth, in the here and now. A Samurai wanting to know about Heaven and Hell, so he goes to a wise master of mystical learning, to find the answer he seeks. The Samurai stands before him and asks "what is Hell?". The Master replies "I will not tell you anything, because you are arrogant and your cup is full!" The Samurai become so insulted that he draws his sword that places it next to the masters neck and states "You will dye for your insolence". The Master just smiles and nodes his head, then states "you are a wise man, you are now in Hell!" The Samurai sheaths his sword and smiles, nodes with total understanding in the wisdom of the Master. The Master again smiles and states, "My good Samurai, you are now in Heaven".  Here ends the story. Perceptual inertia is when we do not learn form our experiences and continue to make the same mistakes all the time, expecting the outcomes to be different. The concept of perceptual inertia comes under different names, depending on the field of work you do and the teaching you have had. Perceptual inertia is also known as; Mind Trap or Mind set. We all learn from our experiences we create schemas in our minds, this is like a filling cabinet full of scripts that guide our behaviour and reactions. The schemas are just like scripts from am play or movie, we have lots and lots of small scripts that try to cover everything that happens to us in our lives. It is when a script (schema) is written in our mind that is adaptive for one situation only and maladaptive for every other situation, that is when we encounter trouble, that is the mind trap or Perceptual inertia we are in and can't get out of. We repeat this script all the time and not even realise that it is the script that is wrong, we think that everyone ells is wrong, when in fact it is us. Lets look at a simple scrip or schema that we use almost of a daily bases but can be easily confused if we have a script that interprets the situation is the wrong way. When our emotions change, the script that we have changes, thus if we are happy and enjoying the moment, and someone smiles at us, we interpret this as friendly gesture. But if the emotions are disturbed, bad, full of suspicion and hatred, the script is changed and the situation can be misunderstood, and misinterpreted, so a simple smile can be seen as sarcasm. So we can see that our scripts that we have in our head create the Perceptual inertia that we live with.

The Cycle of Change and the Hero’s Journey: A new way of looking at addiction recovery

Although I will be talking predominantly about Addiction in this posting this can refer to other activities of life. Such as: Obsessive compulsive disorder, relationship issues, career change, or moving house. Please remember that this is only an opinion driven from my contemplations. I will first explain the Cycle of Change and the Hero's Journey, then show how the Hero's Journey can be a better tool to help people with addiction. This is also a tool that helps gain motivation and self pride in the addicted person, which may need picking up.

Cycle of Change

Within the therapeutic tool box of addiction, the "Cycle of Change" model is extensively used to explain how people with addiction are on a path of change. This model is a guide to help the client get the right help at the right time and alleviate the client that every failure is part of a learning process and not a failure. The Cycle of Change is comprised of 6 steps that the person moves through on the quest to achieve permanent change. Furthermore a person can go through this cycle several time before permanent change is achieved.

1. Pre-contemplation – This stage takes place before the person realises the need to change, yet every one ells can see a need for change. This is when the person will say "I have not got a problem, every one ells has a problem". At this stage the person is unaware of the consequences of their behaviour on others. It is here that a significant others can help make the person aware of their consequences. So if a person is constantly asking for money to buy food, because they have spent all the money on drugs, Don't give them money, but go shopping with them and give them what is needed, being food, not money. Then the money will not be used for drugs, and the significant others does not need to feel like they are being lied to.
2. Contemplation – At this stage the person is aware that change is needed but is still reluctant to find a way to change. Change for anyone for any reason is hard because old patterns need to be gotten rid of and new ones started, we all get comfortable in the mess that we live in and muddle along in life. So although a person knows that change can happen, resistance to change is abundant. Here the significant others provides options and literature to help motivate the person to begin helping them-selves to change.
3. Preparation – Within this stage the decision to change has been made, contact numbers gathered and perhaps the first booking with a counsellor in made. This is a scary time for the person and they need encouragement and assurance that their anxiety is normal. I have seen people in this stage go on their last bender, and drug use increases because they feel that this is the last time they will ever use drugs. This is actually causing greater harm, sadly, because this may increase the detox pains and use up all the money they have saved to go into a detox program, or to see a Doctor, counsellor, psychologist, or out reach service.
4. Action – At this point the person has begun the process of change, the doctor has been consulted or the person is seeing a counsellor, or the person has been booked into a detox or rehab unit. This may not be a period of abstinence, though drug use in reduced and the person is starting to lead a healthier life. The significant others can give encouragement through this time and show the consequences of leading a better life, like going on outings together and showing them more trust. Though Lapse back into the old life is still a risk at this stage.
5. Maintenance – This is the success stage that the person wants, the drug use had been decreased to a satisfactory level to maintain relationships, keep a job, and live healthily, or stops using all together. But the hardest thing about changing behaviour is to keep up the new life stile and not fall back into the old habits. Furthermore, to stay at this level during a time of crises is the hardest thing a person will have to go through. When stress is maximised through, death, divorce, losing a job, coping with an illness in the family, etc. Also Positive stress can have an impact on the well-being of the person's capabilities to maintain a health life style. Such as calibrations, Christmas, births, anniversaries, etc. During this time the significant others need to help by removing triggers that may put the person at risk of relapse. I remember I was mentoring a Church Paster that had one of the Church members with an alcohol addiction, everything went well, the church member made it 6 month of abstinence from alcohol. At this point the Church Paster decided to have a 6 month party to celebrate the abstinence. Well I bet you can picture the out come… The people invited to this part bought along alcohol, and by the end of the night the Church member was back to square one. I only wish the Paster consulted me on that one decision to have a party.
6. Lapse and Relapse – Lapse is when the person goes back to the old way of life for a short time and then re-enters the recovery cycle anywhere in that short time. Relapse is when the person goes back to square one and starts the cycle all over again. All these speed humps on life's journey are times for reflection and learning, so that self knowledge is gained for the next time around the cycle.

I have seen this model used within group settings with clients with addiction. The chart is placed on the white board and the clients then share what they went through at each stage of the journey and that was that. It is a good tool to help the therapist when assisting significant others in copping with a family member that is an addict, but I feel that a better tool can be used with the client. The cycle of change matched the Hero's Journey well though the 6 parts are split up further into 12 or 17 parts. The hero's Journey I feel will help people in the process of change, identify the archetypal characters in their life, who is opposing them, who is helping them, who is trying to trick them, and to show how the "you" in your story of change, you are the Hero, and finally to show that there is an end to the struggle.

The Hero's Journey

Joseph Campbell is the person renowned for uncovering the Mono Myth that is embedded in all the Myths and Legends around the world, and for showing that how forms of entertainment today, (movies, books, tv shows, plays) are successful when the core points of the Hero's Journey Mono Myth are in them. To have this further illustrated, all you need do is to Google "the Hero's Journey" or search the same thing on Youtube. I want to talk about how this concept of the Hero's Journey would be a better tool when working with people that in the midst of change, and show that there is meaning in what they are going through and what others are doing to them.

The Hero's Journey has 12 stages. They are:

1. Ordinary World - The hero's normal world before the story begins or thought of change is thought of – This is the same as stage 1 in the cycle of change. The normal behavior in the life of an addict is that of drugs or alcohol being the first and only priority in life. This is a life of a vicious cycle, of finding money to get drugs, alcohol, or for gambling. Relationships, job and a healthy life come last. Many addicts will do things that they would normally never do, like cheat, steal, lie, sell their body and con others to get their substance of addiction. If a person lives in this life style for too long they think that they are not capable of doing anything different. But this is where the significant others can show how the consequences of their actions are hurting others around them.
2. Call to Adventure - The hero is presented with a problem, challenge or adventure – This is the same as stage 1 in the cycle of change. Here the person is given some options and the consequences become very real. Some people with addiction had their significant others give up on them or show "hard love" by kicking them out of their life. This may present the decision to the person to change so they can be with the ones they love or they go further down and find out what rock bottom is for them. Other people may find them self in front of a judge and ordered to either seek treatment or go to jail. Here at this stage the person may not even know that they have the call to adventure to change, but the signs are all around them to change their life or lose more that what they want to lose, this includes their life.
3. Refusal of the Call - The hero refuses the challenge or journey, usually because he's scared – This is the same as stage 2 in the cycle of change. I have found that many people will be jumping between decisions here, "I know I need help, but I don't want to change". This will come up throughout the recovery process, some professionals call it a "Decision Bifurcation". The person in given a choice and the decision is real for them, and the consequences are clear, either they change or they stay in their old life and they die by installments. The person looses the relationships they have, loose their possessions, loose the brain functioning in piece meal, and their body functions, until they lose their life. Thus to refuse the call has its own consequences, taking up the call means that other consequences are more desirable, or the person has no choice in taking the call, thus doomed to take an adventure that will only result in their own resistance and will go back to a life of addiction, gaining nothing.
4. Meeting with the Mentor - The hero meets a mentor to gain advice or training for the adventure – This is the same as stage 3 in the cycle of change. These mentors are real people, they can be family members, doctor, counselor, social worker, or a friend that has taken the adventure. The mentor is there to prepare the person on the road to recovery, giving options of people to see, or organization to get involved in, like AA/NA. There is a saying that when the student is ready the master will show up. The thing here is that masters or mentors will only be seen if the person with an addiction is prepared to view them as mentors. If the mentor is not recognized by the addict, they think they either don't need one (thus doomed to start again) or are not willing to change. Some people that have been through the cycle of recovery from addiction several time, think they know it all and thus think that the information is no good and that it is a waste of time, thus go back to square one. Furthermore if the person had failed the adventure of change once before, they view the hole process of trying to change as a waste of time, because they will only fail again. This attitude is driven by the fact that they may not have resolved the issues that is at the core of the addiction in the previous call to the adventure of change. And in this case the mentor will be ignored and the true master will not be encountered latter in the journey.
5. Crossing the First Threshold - The hero crosses leaves the ordinary world and goes into the special World – This is the same as stage 4 in the cycle of change. This can come in two forms. In the symbolic form, the first threshold can be accepting a medication regime that was agreed with the doctor, or taking the counseling serious and doing the work in a CBT program. The other form of this threshold can manifest is a real physical boarder between the real world and a world created for recovery, like a detox centre or a rehab. Crossing the threshold of the detox centre or rehab is the scariest time, the person does not know the workers, the rules, the other clients, or how they will cope. The building is a representative of the "belly of the wale" where you must travel to meet the tests set out in the next stage. The anxiety and the unknown is so overwhelming that some run from the threshold back to their old life. This is where the mentor is truly needed to give the person courage to cross the threshold. The mentor knows that it is only within the belly of the wale (aka detox or rehab) that the new mentor/s will come along to help the addict encounter the darkness that is within them.
6. Tests, Allies, Enemies - The hero faces tests, meets allies, confronts enemies & learn the rules of the Special World. – This is the same as stage 4 in the cycle of change. The special world is in essence a life without a substance abuse, and learning how to live in that world. It is in the learning of this new reality that the tasks are new and the learning curve is steep. Also the special world in a detox or rehab which also have special rules that must be adhered to.
   1. a. New Mentor – As soon as the person crosses the threshold a new mentor appears to help in showing the limitations of the special world. The mentor may be a care worker, counselor, or a person that has taken the adventure of change and chose to give back what he has learnt.
   2. b. Allies – The allies that the person comes across are others that are taking the adventure of change and want to change. The allies will comfort you when times are a bit tough and help you keep to the rules, likewise the hero does the same for the allies.
   3. c. Tricksters – A few of these allies may also be tricksters in disguise, wanting to achieve in their own journey of change, but get pleasure in seeing other fail. In German these people are called Schadenfreude. I have seen people try to convince others to break the rules of this special world out of fun and then sit back and see them get evicted from the special world (aka detox or rehab).
   4. d. Enemies – The enemies that you encounter are people that will try to get you to fail and are not on the adventure of change themselves. These people are often visitors, or friends and sometimes the partner of the person trying to achieve change, that are still using drugs or drinking and see the person wanting to change as a threat to their own self worth, thus they will try to get that person to fail. Also and rear, staff members on a power trip can be seen as the enemy trying to get the hero to fail. But don't confuse power trippers with the testers.
   5. e. Testers/teachers – The people that are there to test the people need to know that they are serious about their recovery. Also they will conduct groups and require you to participate in journaling or some type of CBT that tests a person's resolve to stay on the adventure of change and explore the self. The tester or teacher is not there to be a comforting friend, their role is to confront your old world and show you that the old world is a reflection of old living and of unresolved issues. Here is the balance of power that can make or break the hero, the Tester will confront you, but your allies and new mentor/s are there to soften the blow that the tester is confronting you with.
7. Approach - The hero has hit setbacks during tests & may need to try a new idea – This is the same as stage 4 in the cycle of change. This is the greatest step of change. The person needs to reevaluate their own thinking patterns, reasons for action, and modify their behavior, to reinvent the world view that they have lived with for so long. The person absorbs the special world that was external to them to become an internal reality.
8. Ordeal - The biggest life or death crisis – This is the same as stage 4 in the cycle of change. The ordeal can come in so many forms, so in a nut shell, the approach that the person has learnt to live with is now challenged by the old world. Old friends will be lost, and the new way of thinking will be at odds with everyone that the person once called upon for help. When therapists talk about changing the environment is a step on the road to recovery, this is the step that it takes part in. the hero will question their own sanity and the teaching that was given. The tester/teacher is not around, and the new mentor may be absent, this is where the person needs to stand on their own. The ordeal, makes or breaks the person on the road to change. If the hero breaks the step back to the Approach step is not fare, and is part of the method of many rehabs.
9. Reward - The hero has survived death, overcomes his fear and now earns the reward – This is the same as stage 5 in the cycle of change. Joseph Campbell calls this the "awarding of the boon". The reward is the new skills, coping methods, rules, and self-awareness that makes the person a Hero and role model for others to emulate when they are back in the ordinary world. Though the person is still in the special world and given acknowledgment by everyone in the special world, this reward means nothing if it is not achieved in the ordinary world.
10. The Road Back - The hero must return to the Ordinary World. – This is the same as stage 5 in the cycle of change. The road back to the ordinary world has another Refusal of call by the now recovered addict to contemplate. The fear, anxiety, and stress to go back to the ordinary world are real and the consequences have a great impact on the person. The mentors, allies and testers are left behind in the special world and the friendships in the special world are now severed. But if the person refuses to depart the special world, that person does not become a hero, that person becomes a mentor or tester to others that come through the path of change.
11. Resurrection Hero - another test where the hero faces death – he has to use everything he's learned – This is the same as stage 5 in the cycle of change. By going back to the ordinary world with all the temptations and the memories of the old world, the hero is now friendless, dead to all the old friends that once used drugs with the hero, and dead to all those in the special world, because the hero no longer needs them to live. The resurrection is the hero building a new life with a new job, and making new friends.
12. Return with Elixir - The hero returns from the journey with the "elixir", and uses it to help everyone in the Ordinary World – This is the same as stage 5 in the cycle of change. The hero (recovered addict) does not see the old life of addiction as shame, but with pride and willing to point the way for others wanting to change. This is not an active role, just living in a new life is enough. When people from the old world sees the hero and what the hero is capable of, becomes an incentive to them that change is possible. By seeing the full potential realized in the hero is open for others to achieve the same.

Discussion:

With the model of the cycle of change is valid and useful, I feel that it does not full prepare people to go through the journey and explain the types of people they will meet on their journey. By recognising who are the teachers, mentors, allies, and tricksters, the person going through change becomes better equipped to avoid the pit falls that are inherit in any journey of change, along with the emotions that they will suffer. This is some what based on the concept of naming. When a person has emotional control issues, that person is taught to name the emotion that they have and then identify the source of those emotions. This helps people control their emotions. Like wise if people are taught about the journey of change and characters they may encounter, they will be better prepared to take the journey. I invite you to comment and ask question about this concept or idea that I have drawn inference from Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey.

Phoenix Unit

Sorry I only have their Phone Number. Phoenix Unit is a Drug and Alcohol Rehab - (02) 9976 4200